Parenting is a challenging job. It is often said that we never receive any training for parenting, nor are there any manuals to guide us. These statements are partially true, but in fact there is a knowledge base from which we can receive guidance as parents.
The knowledge base of which I speak includes the self-help books on parenting that we can find in most bookstores. I believe that many of these books are helpful. Titles which come to mind include: I’ll Be the Parent, You Be the Kid by Paul Kropp; Between Parent and Teenager by Haim G. Ginott; How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by A. Faber and E. Mazlish; and Kids are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso.
One of the ideas articulated frequently in these books is that of “parenting style.” Parenting style refers to a “broad pattern of parenting” rather than specific parenting practices (Parenting Style and Its Correlates by Nancy Darling, www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html). We can refer to parenting styles as authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. Barbara Coloroso referred to three kinds of families, identifying the brick-wall family, the jellyfish family and the backbone family.
Authoritarian parenting relies on simple, abrupt and short responses to your child’s behavioural challenges. It is characterized by the expression “because I said so.” Permissive parenting typically grants permission to children for activities and behaviours because the parent feels the child can handle the challenge or simply as an easier way out of a challenging situation. Authoritative parents carefully consider and re-evaluate their parenting challenges daily. Authoritative parents make sure that their explanations for denying permission makes sense and take the time to explain it to their children. The explanation may be as simple as “It makes me feel uncomfortable because I worry when you do that. I am responsible for you and love your dearly. That is why I am saying no.”
Barbara Coloroso uses a similar schema but refers to families instead of parents. The brick-wall family uses a structure which is “rigid, for control and power” (like authoritarian). Jellyfish families lack structure and may not even see the need for structure and predictability (like permissive). Backbone families provide structure which is “firm and flexible and functional” (like authoritative).
As is so often the case, the middle ground is the best (authoritative parenting or the backbone family). It has been observed across North America that permissiveness in parenting is becoming far too common, contributing to a variety of personal and social problems among our children. “Authoritative parenting…is one of the most consistent family predictors of competence from early childhood through adolescence” (Parenting Style and Its Correlates by Nancy Darling). I urge you to examine how you parent your children and to strive for an authoritative style of parenting. Use the concept of a backbone family to shape your parenting style. The knowledge base in parenting, referred to above, is clearly pointing us in that direction. –John Gordon, School Counsellor