Most of us are familiar with the saying “green with envy.” It originated in the works of William Shakespeare who repeatedly warned his readers/audience about the negative impact of “green-eyed jealousy” that exists in all people. More than 500 years later, how is it rearing its head amongst today’s youth?

It is interesting that well before Shakespeare was writing in the late1500s, virtually all of the world religions had identified envy or jealousy as a notable vice. In the Christian tradition it was the first of the seven deadly sins. The perils of envy are the focus of the Fifth Hadith in the teachings of the Muslim prophet Mohammed. The Buddhist tradition identifies the three poisons and the Jewish sages and the Talmud holy book identify envy as a human affliction or character flaw which can be diminished but never fully stamped out; it’s an unavoidable part of the human condition. In essence, envy is about having too much attachment to things or the personal qualities of others.

I was struck by an article written by a recent high school graduate in the UK who looked at envy today. Lisa was writing about the impact of social media on her generation. She noted that many of her friends are constantly seeking “likes” for their Facebook postings, yet many admit to having few close friends. Another of her friends had large numbers of Instagram followers but had actually been buying them. She admitted that her social media feeds were full of carefully-staged photos, only showing people at their best in life. Lisa writes, “It’s easy to envy people when all you see is a tiny spectrum of their life – a small window displaying only the narrative they wish you to see. It seems like anything too personal or hard to discuss or unglamorous, slips out of the photo stream.”

So how about real-life issues like problems with friends, personal heartbreaks, family issues, financial crises, illness or physical challenges? Or how about the daily hard slogging of studying, completing assignments and projects and the challenge of just balancing it all?

Reminder to today’s teens: that unglamorous reality is real life, but nobody posts that stuff. Let’s face it, much of social media is essentially a glistening shiny world of people’s “perfect fake lives.”

This is not to say our students shouldn’t be on social media. The capacity to share is actually wonderful. But teenagers are naturally quite susceptible to peer pressure, what sociologists call the immense “power of the tribe.” If they allow it, there will be a constant sense of pressure to reach for more and more likes on each updated profile, on each new Instagram post, encouraging new readers to follow their every success.

So my advice is for teens to try to be more realistic and avoid feeding the green monster of envy. If our students think their lives are humdrum, especially in wintery February, they shouldn’t worry. No fake glistening world required; our students are just fine the way they are. I see them in action and their teachers and coaches remind me of that every day.

Envy or jealousy will never magically disappear because we want it to. But it can be buried with a simple antidote: invest in others and their success. The more one does this, the more one connects with the essence of being human, and jealousy will be diminished because feet will be firmly planted in reality. That’s a timeless truth that will never change no matter how you project it to the world. – Chris Shannon, Headmaster

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Alex Russell visited LCC a few weeks ago and offered many important messages. He works with struggling adolescents and is the author of the book Drop the Worry Ball: Parenting in the Age of Entitlement. Let’s consider some of the key takeaways from his presentation.

Dr. Russell was authoritative and direct. He noted that in Canada most parents are over-parenting and over-managing their children. We have all heard about “helicopter parents” who hover too much or “snowplow parents” who will do anything to clear the way. All parents aim to minimize bumps on the road of life and diminish anxiety for their children. But Dr. Russell reminds us that hurdles and anxiety are essential elements in the curriculum of life; they are key for balanced growth and development.

Despite the way we generally use the term, anxiety is not all bad. It can be defined as anticipatory fear in our frontal lobes, something that is unique to humans. We actually need anxiety to be successful, but what we experience is what psychologists describe as adaptive anxiety. It allows us to manage stressful situations, but we should not be frozen or immobilized by an unhealthy tsunami of anxiety.

We have to find a way to open the door to small failures. The only kind of failure we want young people to avoid is what Dr. Russell calls catastrophic failure. He reminds us that failing a test, a course, or even a grade is not nearly catastrophic and should never be treated as such. In terms of self-management, students need to learn how to cope with setbacks without being overly demonstrative or emotional. The normal challenges in life should never be treated like the end of the world.

Dr. Russell was clear: the problem with adults chronically over-managing students is that it underestimates and undermines student potential. He asserts that starting in Grade 6, students should assume full responsibility for all tasks and assignments at school – not partial, but full responsibility. Inevitably, some students will find this difficult. But when outcomes are negative, they are quite capable of adapting and taking responsibility. When things don’t go well, students can quickly learn new approaches, routines and priorities; they naturally adapt.

Essentially, Dr. Russell affirmed that students require the opportunity to explore without constant intervention and direction from parents. In his words, “students need to explore the jungle gyms of life and experience non-catastrophic failure.” That’s how they learn to climb without injury – literally and figuratively. But the responsibility is solely the student’s – it’s not shared.

So what can or should parents do? They need to give their children space and allow them to explore and learn from experience. The primary responsibility of parents is to “mind and care” – be supportive without constant direction or intervention. The key to this is for parents to trust teachers and be allies with them as they are the learning specialists.

What else does Dr. Russell suggest needs to happen? He asks students to accept their responsibilities and do their homework. They should do their best to limit procrastination and avoidance of work, which can be very problematic if it persists. But again, Dr. Russell is emphatic: when it comes to homework “parents should be screamingly absent.” Parents should show care and interest, but they should not take on any anxiety. No passing of the worry ball between parents and teachers; the anxiety should be the student’s alone.

Dr. Russell affirmed that by trying new things and being intellectually courageous students will feel anxiety in different degrees. In fact, one must pass through various states of anxiety on the way to what psychologists call flow. Again, I quote Dr. Russell, “Money doesn’t buy happiness, flow creates happiness; flow is the number one ingredient of human happiness.”

So what is flow? It is pure engagement – transformative engagement with a problem, an activity or way of thinking. Indeed, at one time or another all of our students experience flow. It could occur while they are solving a math or science problem, completing a history case study, reading a novel, playing an instrument, or participating in an athletic activity. It is engagement that is so complete, that time seemingly becomes elastic and the child is fully immersed in the activity.

One of the problems with attaining a state of flow is that in school and at work we don’t always choose our activities, and we clearly prefer some over others. In addition, school is a place where students have to live with the necessary evil of marks. They matter, but Dr. Russell asserts no one should obsess over them. Even when struggling, students can always bounce back. Rather than marks, we should all be much more focused on seeking flow.

On this front, parents and school should minimize the focus on achievement solely through marks, which we are actually discussing here at LCC. Together, students, teachers and parents should focus on embedding a positive growth mindset, promote exploration, engagement, and flow.

While at school every one of our students has experienced and will continue to experience failure, and they quite naturally take steps to learn, refine, regroup and adapt their approaches to learning.

Dr. Russell reminds us that learning and achievement is not about a “race to nowhere.” Rather, it is about welcoming anxiety in adaptive ways, and collaborating with supportive teachers who are authoritative experts in students’ lives. Parents need to simultaneously let go of control, while staying connected and interested in their children’s learning activities and what interests them.

Thank you Dr. Russell for the wise insights and great advice! We all probably have some work to do at LCC to provide our students with the space suggested here. Meanwhile, the student’s role is to be courageous, accept personal responsibility, embrace adaptive anxiety and continue to seek flow. With the right balance, we aspire that we will not only provide our children with essential  learning skills, but happiness that could be lasting and impactful. – Chris Shannon, Headmaster